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Handpicked Humor at its Best – Love, Dating & Women

Posted by Angelica on October - 6 - 2011

 

Nobody Loves me

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you”.

Love

 

Mom knows Best

John who stays in college apartment, invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. By the end of the evening she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie went to John saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John.”

The next day, John received a response from his mother that read:

“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”

 

Service Charge

A teenager and his date were parked on a back road outside of town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads outside of town. Things were getting pretty serious when the girl stopped the boy and said “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex.”Taxi

The boy just looked at her for a few moments, but then reluctantly paid her the money and they did their thing. After getting dressed again, the boy sat quietly in the driver’s seat listening to the radio and looking out of the front window.

Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25.”

 

First Time Sex

A teenage boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which one he wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. I’ll take the 12 as its gonna be a hell of a long night.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down at dinner table with his girlfriend and her parents. The girl’s mom asks if he’d say grace & he agrees. He bows down to say prayer and remains in that position for about 5 minutes. The girl, impatient to his acting, leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

 

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Cartoon

 

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At the death bed

A woman‘s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck.”

 

Acronyms

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.”
The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.”
They then asked the woman, “What are you?”
She replied: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

 

A Woman’s Prayer

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength, I’ll just beat him to death.

Cartoon Couple


Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My husband’s.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”


Mirror image

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her:
“Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me.” Satisfied with his “ingenious” remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife. When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods. Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money. She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt.
“See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.”


Ten Things Men know about Women

1.Boobies
2.
3.
4.
5.

6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs

 


All you need to know about Anger Management

Posted by Angelica on September - 4 - 2011

Quote of the day

Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before – it takes something from him. – Louis L’Amour

 

Anger exists in every single one of us. No man would tell you that he/she had never lost their temper unless of course they’re 6 feet down the ground. Anger is a strong feeling of discontentment, hostility or violent behavior provoked by a rage or wrongness. If you’ve been guilty of losing your anger, you’re not alone, and you don’t have to hit yourself repeatedly for it. The key is really to learn how to control this fragile emotion of anger and not letting it control you.

How angry are you at this moment of time

Anger is one letter short of danger

The first step to managing anger is really recognizing that you’re currently experiencing this rage. Ponder on what or who has made you has put on this feeling onto you and accept it. The worst thing to feeling angry is denial towards it.

Below is a scale to quantify your anger. Each scale is weighted against the Intermational Mercalli intensity scale which is also used in the measurement of earthquakes.

The red line between 2 and 3 would show where your limit should be, or rather here’s where you need to start getting help or imply anger management techniques already!

 

Which level do you belong to?

Anger Level

 

Anger Indicator

Here are some of the symptoms that you’re currently feeling angry and seriously need to deal with it immediately:

  • Rapid Heart Beat and breathing becomes intenseAnger Indicator
  • Stiffening of neck, jaw, arms & shoulders
  • Feeling the adrenaline rush
  • Clenching of fists until the fingernails start hurting
  • Head becomes numb and aches
  • Stomach feels rigid and tight
  • Muscles work hard and become tensed
  • Face becomes red and heated up
  • Sweating of palms and forehead
  • Tendency to throw things
  • Tendency to break things
  • Tendency to hit/punch into things
  • Destruction of others and Self
  • Screaming on top of your lungs
  • Using fowl languages or cursing
  • Thoughts of hurting or harming a person
  • Becoming mentally unstable

Control your Anger with these Powerful and Easy Tips

  • Take a deep breath. Inhale & Exhale slowly & repeatedly for about 10 times. Let the oxygen stream into your nerves & blood flow while calming it down
  • Pause and count until 50 before you make any further moves
  • Channel positive thoughts like love, happiness, relaxation, enjoyment, or excitement to replace angry feelings
  • Drink some water to calm your nerves
  • Ask for comfort and help from the Almighty. Prayers are a powerful way when you’re confused and lost
  • Move away from the person or thing which inflicted anger to you
  • Remember than anger and hate will not solve anything. It brings no good to yourself nor others
  • Repeat words like “control”, “relax”, “calm down” or other calming terminology
  • Imagine calming environment/sceneries or think of calming songs or music

    Be Calm

  • grateful that for the gift of life and wisdom which makes us rationalize between good, & bad. No problem in this world cannot be fixed
  • Do some physical exercise to loosed up stiff muscles and release tensions that build up as a result of anger
  • Release your anger in a piece of paper. Writing down your emotions have similar impact to talking to a friend without being secretive or worried that you’ll be judged
  • Once calm, start expressing your angry in a non-destructive way
  • Put yourself in the shoes of the person who made you angry. Ponder shortly on the reason the acted the way they did?
  • Think thoroughly before you speak. It’s no point to be regretting after you’ve blurted out words that might have hurt the other person more than you think
  • Reflect and determine a possible solution for your rage
  • Forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness – yourself and everyone/everything else. Release a white dove(a symbol of forgiveness), when you have a major grudge in you

    Ask for forgiveness to free yourself

  • Use silly humor to switch emotions, make sure it’s not offensive
  • If anger levels are too high, sleep over it before confronting or dealing with it
  • Seek therapy or anger management classes if you find it too difficult to cope
  • Join anger management forums, or chat groups to see how others are coping with this crisis
  • Never bottle up your anger inside you for too long. Accept it, and find a way to deal with it
  • If you really have to let go of your anger physically, find a punching bag or a stuffed toy to punch out to your heart’s content
  • Always remember your values in life. Have you conflicted your principles & morale by behaving negatively towards an emotion?

Values in Life

Recommended Products For Anger Management

 

 

Handpicked Humor at its Best – Blondes & Beers

Posted by Angelica on September - 3 - 2011

 

Jigsaw Puzzle

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said “From 2-4 years”.

Jigsaw Puzzle

 

Sky Diving

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

 

Blonde Arithmetic

There was once a blonde who decided to join a TV show which tested the arithmetic of participants.

The first question was, “What is 12X3?”

The blonde hesitated a while and answered, “15?”

The audiences were screaming, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

Then next question she got was, “What is 14/2?”

The blonde responded, “12, right?”

Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?”

“3?” said the blonde.

The audience were screaming, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

 

Buying a TV

Buying a TVA blonde goes into an appliances store. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her and says, “That’s not a TV – it’s a microwave.”

 

Don’t drink and drive

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

 

Be careful what you wish for

genieTwo fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”


Proud Fathers

Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says “I thought my son was going to be a disappointment. He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday.”
Second guy says, “Yeah, I thought my son would be a disappointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday.”
Third guy says “Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday.”
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the other guy what they were talking about and asks him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. “Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side; from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money.”

Top 10 Outdoor Couples Activity

Posted by Angelica on August - 16 - 2011

Quote of the day

“Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her and one for them together” – Jacqueline Bisset

 

Its weekend soon and you’re still empty on plans? Staying home again for the weekend might just make it past even faster than you thought and before you know it, Monday blues hit you hard and you’ll be regretting why you didn’t spend the precious time with your loved one strengthening your bond. If you come from a huge family (brothers, sisters, in-laws, grandma, grandpa, nieces, nephews, maid…etc) , this is the time you get to go out; just the two of you and spend that quality time you need while discovering each other in a whole lot of ways.

 

  1. Join Classes

    This is a great way to start a routine together. Pick a favorite mutual activity(Gym, dancing, cooking, arts, music, photography, sports, etc), find a place near your home that offers great classes of your choice, decide on your budget and you’ve established a ritual together at least once a month of learning a new skill together. Make sure not to dominate or convince the other party to say yes to your choice. The goal is to spend quality time together while having lots of fun.

     

    Dancing Class

     

  2. Go for a Romantic dinner

    Romantic dinners can be arranged at any point of the year without needing an occasion as an excuse. On a schedule where both of you are free, make reservations at nice ambience restaurants which you and your partner can get all dressed up and attend. Try restaurants that offer candle light dinner, with relaxing music and tranquility. You can share your feelings and have a good chat about your future plans. Some of the best spots to choose would be by the beach, a place with picturesque scenery, away from the hustle & bustle of the city, or a splurging fine dining where you pay for the ambience.

     

  3. Watch a nice movie in the cinema

    This is one of the most regular things you could do as a couple. Going for the movies usually kindles back the feeling of youthfulness like when you first started dating. Get popcorns, and drinks for sharing and hit the cold & dark cinemas where you get to cuddle each other tightly while enjoying a new blockbuster. Checkout MovieWeb.com for latest/popular movie releases.

     

    Movie at theater

     

  4. Volunteer

    The benefits of volunteering are endless and even more if you do it as a couple. Some of the benefits as include making a positive change for your community, connecting with other, boosting your career, giving a meaning of fulfillment to your life and definitely having lots of fun while doing it. There are many ways you can give to your community and this gives the flexibility to choose to volunteer in the area that interest you most e.g home for elderly/the disabled, zoo, pets shelter..etc. See Wikipedia listing on the different types of volunteering available.

     

  5. Couples Massage/Spa

    Many Spa/Beauty parlors these days offer a wide variety of package for couples to pamper themselves together. Packages are designed to be shared with the significant other and it’s a great time to bond which indulging side-by-side. Some luxury spa’s will provide special features such as shower room, Jacuzzis, dual soaking tubs, or even champagne & strawberry’s.

     

    Couples Massage

     

  6. Travel

    People and couples especially often get nervous when you mention the word travel as it’s usually linked to luxurious holidays with lots of planning, spending & time involved. I would say that this is highly misinterpreted or probably the worst excuse to give. You don’t have to journey a few thousand miles to call it travelling. Try organizing trip to a neighboring state or country which usually has so much more to offer than you think. Take a slow drive together instead of traveling by plane. The adventure is much more rewarding and satisfying and usually doesn’t burn a hole in your pocket. If budget allows, plan to visit the famous “love countries” like Paris, Venice, Bali or the Caribbean’s.

     

  7. Adventurous trips

    If both of you are into outdoor adventures, try arranging trips like hiking, jungle trekking, white water rafting diving, horse riding by the beach or bungee jumping. Outdoor trips bring you closer to Mother Nature and you get to admire the best of what the environment has to offer such as mountains, beaches, streams, rivers, marine life, flora & fauna.

     

    Bungee Jumping as a couple

     

  8. Watch the sunset/star gazing trip

    Do some research on the best places of hangout with great sunset view or star gazing sights, and take a drive there during evenings. Watching the sunset/star gazing while cuddling with each other in pure serenity can be one of the most peaceful and harmonious way of acquainting.

     

  9. Attend concerts/ plays

    Lookout in the entertainment section of newspapers, magazines or media announcements for details on the current happenings at your place. Some of the renowned events which you could attend together depending on preference are celebrity concerts, theatres, rave parties, sports, musicals, dances, talks, parades or festivals.

     

    Concert

     

  10. Attend wedding parties, birthday parties or other social events

    Social events are a great place to go as a couple as you get to meet other couples, friends, family and enables networking. In the event you’re planning your big-day soon, attend wedding parties to get lots of ideas on how you can conduct yours ;).

Handpicked Humor at its Best – Lawyers, Teachers and Rednecks

Posted by Angelica on August - 10 - 2011

The trick question

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.” The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.” The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

 

Only in hell

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

Devil


Possessions

There was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same again. Unexpectedly, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed. “You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked. “HA! You lawyers! All you care about is your possessions! I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

 

Simpson's Brain

The most exclusive brain

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip-off – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

 

Hundred Dollar Bill

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

 

H2O

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah: “HIJKLMNO”!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

 

How many Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven…
Rabbits Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Billy: Six
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven…
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Billy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!

 

Longitude & Latitude = Lonelitude

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

 

Something she didn’t do

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

 

Tree Anatomy

Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”
Sam: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”
Sam: “Wow, wow, wow!”

 

The Only Idiot

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now there mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

 

Misleading Signage

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

 

Naming the Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”
The brother replied, “Denephew.”

 

 

Fishing Trip

Funny Fishing

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the seco
nd day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

 

 

Class of Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.” Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.” “That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck is obviously catching on. “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’ ?” asks the friend. “Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck. “What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example.

Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re Gay ain’t ya?”

 

Redneck Children

“You’ve just had your twelfth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?”

“Phil”

“But you named the last eleven Phil”

“Yeah it’s great. I say Phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner.”

“But what if you only want one of them?”

“Oh! Then I call them by their last name.”

 

Why he’s so Special

“How was your first day in third grade, Johnny?” asked his father.

“Good,” said Johnny. “The teacher asked each of us to count to 100. Some kids couldn’t get past 30, but I made all the way to 100 without a single mistake!”

“That’s good, son. That’s
because you’re from Arkansas.”

After the next day of school, he asked again.

“I did good today, too, Dad. In language class, we had to say the alphabet. Some kids couldn’t get past P, but I made all the way to Z without a single mistake!”

“That’s good, son. That’s because you’re from Arkansas.”

After the third day of school, Johnny came home looking troubled.

“What’s the matter, son?” asked Dad.

“Oh, I dunno. Today we had Physical Education, and afterwards, in the shower, I noticed that, well, the other boys in my class, uh, well Dad, they all have little tiny ones. Mine must be ten times bigger than theirs! Is that because I’m from Arkansas?”

“No, son,” explained Dad. “That’s because you’re 18!”

Garden of roses – Part II

Posted by Angelica on August - 2 - 2011

Tips for growing & caring for your rose plant

Quote of the day
“We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon-instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.”

So you’ve contemplated that the rose plant in the nursery looked remarkably beautiful and decided to get one for your backyard. What next?

If you’ve always wanted to wake up to a balcony of roses in the morning, here’s an article of a step-by-step guide on how to grow & care for your rose plant. Rose plants are like babies. It would take a special person to grow this special flower.

 

Beautifull white rose in a pot

 

Planting the Roses

Before choosing a spot to place your rose, make sure sunlight is readily available as the rose plant would need good sun exposure. If you plan to re-plant the rose tree from a poly-bag to the ground or bigger pot, soak it in a pail of water for about 2-8hours to soften the soil.

General rule of rose plants are that they have large roots & it’s essential to provide a deep pot/ hole for root growth. Soil is encouraged to be added with organic matters/ black soil to get a texture which will be easy water absorption. Roses need lots of water & ventilation, and proper fertilization.

Fertilization starts 2-3 months upon planting. Roses will bloom better if you use NPK (Nitrogen, Phosphorous, and Potassium) ratios of about 1:2:1 that is more Phosphorous than nitrogen or potassium. Too much Nitrogen will lead to the plant preferring leaf growth to flower growth. A good rule for fertilization is bi-weekly/ once every 2 weeks for optimal results. Bear in mind that too much fertilization can kill any plant.

You could use mulch such as shredded wood, stones, coconut husk, sawdust, or hay. Mulching is essential for the plant to prevent water loss, discourage weed growth & avoid soil erosion. It also adds beauty to the garden.

 

Planting the rose

Watering Roses

For tropical hot weather where the temperature is around 30° Celsius, it’s essential to water your rose plants every day.

If it rains, heavily, you can skip watering for the day. On a day that rains less, it’s good if you just mist the leaves & flowers. If the sun shines hotter than usual, you might want to water it twice a day i.e. morning & evening.

If your rose plant has mulch, you would not need to water it too much as the mulch will retain the plants hydration for a longer time. Roses in pots will generally need more watering than those on the ground. It is not advisable to keep a plant at the bottom of the pot to retain water as the water on the dish can cause rotting of the roots. Try avoiding watering into the blooms as the water would remain stagnant in the flower buds and cause it to rot.

Use judgment when watering plants, hotter weather would need more water and colder weather less. Too much water will cause rotting of roots, & too less will cause infertility & dry out the plant.

 

Pruning for Rose Plants

The rose plants need pruning done as soon as the first batch of blooming comes to an end. The benefits of pruning includes promoting growth & bloom, to enhance light & air absorption, to remove dead or damaged stems, & shaping the plant.You would need to cut all branches and leave only about 6-10 healthy branches. You would need gloves to protect your hands from the thorns, a good quality bypass pruner. The right place to cut is above the bud.

Pruning Rose StemRose Stem


Step-by-step pruning

  1. De-weed the rose plants with your hand by removing unwanted grass or leaves 

  2. Start by removing dead/ unhealthy stems& 

  3. Cut off thin stems that seem like crowding the tree 

  4. Prune more in the centre to increase air & light ventilation 

  5. Cut surface should be white. If brownish, re-cut until white surface is reached 

  6. Make all cuts above a leaf bud that points towards the outside of the plant 

  7. Remove any branches that grow at the bottom as this would cause the plant to sag 

  8. Keep only healthy branches with dark green leave

 

Treating Common Rose Problems

Here are the most common diseases that will hit your rose plants and treatment methods

  1. Powdery Mildew/Black Spots/Rust – It’s a fungal problem which occurs during dry & humid season. It has distinctive symptoms of white spots on leaves and stems. Left untreated, the leaves will start dropping and soon cause the plant to die off. Early treatment is best.

    Treatment: To reduce this problem, water the plants (best during mornings) on the soil & less onto the leaves, to avoid residue build up or moisture retain. Air circulation & sanitation is important to prevent this problem and this can be attained by frequent pruning and cleaning up of leaves. Try spraying mixture of 1 tsp baking soda, ½ tsp oil, & 1 litre of water to treat and stop this problem. Another treatment solution involves dusting sulfur on the leaves affected as this would help to prevent spread. You could also use chemical fungicides (at a controlled level) to exterminate this fungal diseases.

     

    Rose LeafRoes LeafsGreen Rose Leaf

     

  2. Rose Mosaic – Is a virus induced problem (Rose Mosaic Virus/RMV) that affects you plant. A whitish or yellowish mosaic form, zig-zag patterns appear. This disease reduces the plants vitality and blooming but hardly ever kills the plant.

    Treatment: Sadly, this kind of infection doesn’t have any treatment. The only way to control this problem is by thorough checking before purchasing a new plant or if suspected to have an infected plant in the garden; it is advisable to remove the infected plant all together.



    Rose Mosaic

Top 10 Indoor Couples Activity

Posted by Angelica on July - 27 - 2011

Quote of the day

“Just when a couple is able to afford to go out evenings, they’re too busy babysitting their grandchildren”

 

In a relationship, it’s essential to keep the spark burning by initiating activities together as a couple especially if you’ve been with your loved one for quite some time.

Most young couples these days are too busy with work & other chores that being there for each other and spending quality time with each other is simply taken for granted. By the time you realize the lost of bond, it might just be too late to get the chemistry back or to repair the connection. Even worst, your other half might have found someone else who’s keeping them busy and happier.

My tiny winy advice, you’ve found your soul mate, retain them! It takes time, effort & money. But the reward is priceless satisfaction.

 

  1. Make love… Again & again & again

    It costs no money, most pleasurable & highly satisfying. Never use excuses such as being tired, busy or having no time get in the way of your pleasure time with a loved one. The benefits of love making are endless. To spice things up, try candles, aromatherapy oils, massage oils, sexy lingerie, toys & other stuff. If you’re too shy to shop in a mall, try websites like Youumi or AdultToys.

  2.  

  3. Cook together & have a romantic candlelight dinner at home

    This highly involves both partners to contribute to preparing for this special night at home. The guy sets up the table for a nice candlelight dinner with champagne or wine. Put on some light jazz music to get the ambiences rising. The lady can prepare the dinner with the help of online recipes from Delish.com or Food.com. Don’t worry to swap task if the either one is a better cook. 😉

    Candle light dinner

  4. Movie marathon

    Get some nice DVD’s and just put on your PJ’s and get all comfortable in your sofa for a long list of your favorite movies. Prepare popcorns or other snacks to munch. The great thing about watching movie at home is you get to choose the sound, laugh or cry as loud as you like, & pause for toilet breaks whenever needed. Don’t forget to cuddle each other.

    Couples activity

     

  5. Create art together

    Being creative as a couple is a great way to enhance the relationship. Get a huge cardboard, paints, paintbrushes, and start a painting together. Be open to each other’s ideas and don’t forget to compliment the other person when he/she comes up with something nice. You’ll be surprised to see the end results of you co-joined work. If it turns out awesome, frame it, if not just laugh your guts out together and take a different hobby next time.

    Modern abstract art

  6. Have shower together

    Undress each other and hit the showers for a nice warm aromatherapy bath. Shampoo each other’s heads and scrub each other’s back. Light up some nice aromatherapy candles in the bathroom to have a more relaxed ambience. Rub oil/ lotion on each other after shower.

     

  7. Indoor couples exercise

    Try yoga or meditating together. Go to GaiamLife for some tips on couples yoga. Put on some relaxing music, and try to meditate in a quiet room. You could also try sit ups, waist bend, stretching, or dancing as couples.

     

  8. Board games/ Card games

    When was the last time you played a board game? Probably as a child. Try to re-kindle the innocents all over again. Try games like Jengga Blocks, Scrabble, Monopoly, Chess, pick-up-sticks, bingo, blackjack, and many others.

    Monopoly Board Game

  9. Home makeover

    Give your home a makeover by taking portions of the house for each other’s ideas & creativity. You might want to do the bedroom together though. Repaint the dining hall, change lightings in the bedroom, fix new wallpapers in the bathroom or change the curtains. A little change in the house will be a good way to revive the relationship as well. Get more ideas from Housebeautiful.com.

     

  10. Exchange love letters

    With the rise on internet, e-mail & hand phones, no one nowadays takes the time to write a love letter anymore. Sit in a quiet space as a couple and write down your feelings towards each other in a letter and exchange it with “yours truly”. Your other half will always have the memory of your handwriting instead of a Microsoft Word font. Keep the letters in a safe place & frequently re-visit to always reawaken the feeling you once had.

     

  11. Adopt a pet/plant

    So you’re not ready for kids. But it’s always good to train your relationship with a pet. A pet brings 2 people together. An animal love is endless and makes us think how small of a being we are in the universe. Make sure to take proper care of it, feeding it on time, maintaining its hygiene & shower it with love. If you’re not an animal person, try getting a “love plant” as a sign of your relationship. The happier the pet/ plant is, the happier your relationship would be!

    ———————–HamsterHaving a plant


View Top 10 Outdoor Couples Activity for more fun filling activities to do as a couple.
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Garden of roses – Part I

Posted by Angelica on July - 25 - 2011

 

Quote of the day

“In real life, unlike in Shakespeare, the sweetness of the rose depends upon the name it bears. Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.”

 

Types of roses

 

Roses are most probably the prettiest flowers on earth. Commonly available in many places around the world, it comes in different sizes, colors & shapes.There are more than 11,000 species of roses available around the world. Below is a list of the most common types, distinguish them by specific characteristic such as clusters, stems, flowers, & fragrance.

 

Floribunda – A cross of hybrid teas & rosa multiflora. Flowers are medium sized & have many petals which makes the flowers look full. Flowers grow in clusters per stem and throughout the year.

 A cross of hybrid teas & rosa multiflora.

 

Hybrid teas – A cross between hybrid Perpetuals & Tea roses. These are the oldest cultivar rose & the most popular. This rose produces only one blossom at the end of the stem. These flowers are known to have variable fragrance.

 A cross between hybrid Perpetuals & Tea roses

 

Grandiflora – A cross between hybrid teas & floribunda. Bigger flowers than floribunda are clustered at the end of large stems. Have variable fragrance.

A cross between hybrid teas & floribunda

 

Miniature roses – also known as China Roses, these dwarf plants bloom tiny flowers but highly clustered and bloomed roses last a long time.

also known as China Roses

 

Shrub roses – Disease-resistance, grows in a variety of climates with a minimum of attention, little pruning required, blooms beautiful flowers, consistently over a very long season. These make great as borders and fencing.

Shrub roses

Climbing roses – Have long arching stems that follows a supporting structure. Flowers are abundant and clustered and are great as entrance trails, balcony or archway.

Climbing roses

 

Tree roses – These roses are made of hardy root stock grafted to a long stem that is, in turn, grafted to a rose bush at the top of the stem.

Tree roses

 

Ground cover roses – They mostly grow low to the ground and the newer hybrids bloom when there’s plenty sunlight available.

Ground cover roses

 

More about roses coming soon. Part 2 of this post is being prepared. Subscribe to RSS or E-mail to receive update notification.

Boredom Rescuer List

Posted by Angelica on July - 11 - 2011

Quote of the day

“In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.” – “Richard Bach”

 

Things to do when you’re bored

 

  1. Private karaoke
  2. Download lyrics from websites & Sing along to your favorite song. Music has been proven to increase the mood & put a smile to your face!

     

  3. Go You-tubing @ www.youtube.com
  4. Find funny videos, motivational clips, trainings & self-improvement videos and many more.


  5. Just “Dolce far niente” which means the “Sweetness of doing nothing” in Italian
  6. Remember the times when you get so busy with work until you don’t have time to breathe? If you’re bored now, you might want to take this time to enjoy some laziness just not doing anything for a few hours or a day… or what the hell, even for a week!

     

  7. Browse the website for Cheap deals
  8. Try sites like Groupons, Hostelworld, AirAsia, eBay, Lelong.com and many more

     

  9. Groom yourself
  10. Why spend so much on Spa, when you can make your own at home, at your own leisure & space. Try creating your homemade beauty products with the items found in your kitchen & indulge in a nice body scrub or hair treatment. Purchase some nice scented candles/ aromatherapy oils to increase your home spa experience.

    Spices to spice things up

  11. Try Yoga or Meditation to lift up the Zen!
  12. Search for beginners’ yoga or meditation videos and try to imitate position for about 15mins to an hour on your own personal room or space. See how it will relax the mind and boost the energy in no time. You might even take it up as a long term hobby!

     

  13. Cook, bake, make a cocktail or mocktails
  14. Try simple recipes like an omelette with everything you have in your fridge/kitchen e.g: Tomatoes, cheese, parsley, bacon, ham, mayonnaise, mustard, milk, mushroom, etc. Buy beginner cookbooks of your choice and try a recipe. Enjoy adding your own creativity and you’ll be surprised with the outcome. Get some cocktail recipes from About.com

     

  15. Plant a tree
  16. I never knew how interesting this would be until I tried it myself. Get to a nearest supermarket to get a nice pot, some black soil, and your favorite seed (choose from vegetables & fruit like tomatoes, corn, herbs, or pretty flowers like daisy, orchids or roses). Make sure to water it at least once every day for 2 weeks until you see the first leaf. After that, you’ll want to keep visiting your plant friend. Try even talking to it by asking it to grow faster. 😉 If you live in an apartment, try indoor plants. See i-village for top indoor plants idea.

     

     

  17. Adopt a Pet
  18. A cat, dog, rabbits, fishes make great companionship and is a way to keep ourselves occupied. A pet would need feeding, cleaning up, love & care. Just make sure to consider the responsibility factors before owning a pet.

    Man's best friend

  19. Take a drive for food hunt
  20. Team up with some friends or family over the weekend for a food hunt somewhere far. Places like Ipoh, & Penang are well known for good & cheap food. It’ll be a great way to escape the hustle and bustle of the city too.

     

  21. Go Window Shopping
  22. Month end is still far away? It’s okey, just go window shopping. Look at stuffs, touch them, feel them, try it on, and then walk out of the shop. No need to spend anything or swipe the credit card for it, unless of course you really feel it’s a life/death deal you can’t miss. If you feel guilty of the staffs giving you a cheap look, just remember that they are paid to work there, and it’s not your responsibility to make them feel satisfied.

     

  23. Paint your nails/try NailArt (girls only) use diamonds, glittery stuffs and decorate…
  24. You’ll need many colors of nail polish, nail clippers & buffers, toothpicks, nail art stickers and a top coat, and never ever forget the nail polish remover. It can get really messy for beginners. Refer to step-by-step nail art for more ideas.

    Give your nails new look

  25. Read a book
  26. Books used to be a way to put me to sleep those days. And then I figured that no one should be forcing you to read a book but yourself. Try asking yourself what interest you the most. It could be fiction, motivational, romance, horror/thriller, mystery and many other interesting genres’ of books available. Take time read a few pages before picking a book that will interest you. Each writer will have a different approach to suit different readers. In no time, you’ll find yourself totally hooked to a book and no time for boredom!

 

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