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Handpicked Humor at its Best – Love, Dating & Women

Posted by Angelica on October - 6 - 2011

 

Nobody Loves me

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you”.

Love

 

Mom knows Best

John who stays in college apartment, invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. By the end of the evening she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie went to John saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John.”

The next day, John received a response from his mother that read:

“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”

 

Service Charge

A teenager and his date were parked on a back road outside of town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads outside of town. Things were getting pretty serious when the girl stopped the boy and said “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex.”Taxi

The boy just looked at her for a few moments, but then reluctantly paid her the money and they did their thing. After getting dressed again, the boy sat quietly in the driver’s seat listening to the radio and looking out of the front window.

Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25.”

 

First Time Sex

A teenage boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which one he wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. I’ll take the 12 as its gonna be a hell of a long night.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down at dinner table with his girlfriend and her parents. The girl’s mom asks if he’d say grace & he agrees. He bows down to say prayer and remains in that position for about 5 minutes. The girl, impatient to his acting, leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

 

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Cartoon

 

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At the death bed

A woman‘s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck.”

 

Acronyms

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.”
The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.”
They then asked the woman, “What are you?”
She replied: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

 

A Woman’s Prayer

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength, I’ll just beat him to death.

Cartoon Couple


Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My husband’s.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”


Mirror image

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her:
“Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me.” Satisfied with his “ingenious” remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife. When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods. Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money. She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt.
“See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.”


Ten Things Men know about Women

1.Boobies
2.
3.
4.
5.

6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs

 


Handpicked Humor at its Best – Blondes & Beers

Posted by Angelica on September - 3 - 2011

 

Jigsaw Puzzle

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said “From 2-4 years”.

Jigsaw Puzzle

 

Sky Diving

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

 

Blonde Arithmetic

There was once a blonde who decided to join a TV show which tested the arithmetic of participants.

The first question was, “What is 12X3?”

The blonde hesitated a while and answered, “15?”

The audiences were screaming, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

Then next question she got was, “What is 14/2?”

The blonde responded, “12, right?”

Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?”

“3?” said the blonde.

The audience were screaming, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

 

Buying a TV

Buying a TVA blonde goes into an appliances store. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her and says, “That’s not a TV – it’s a microwave.”

 

Don’t drink and drive

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

 

Be careful what you wish for

genieTwo fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”


Proud Fathers

Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says “I thought my son was going to be a disappointment. He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday.”
Second guy says, “Yeah, I thought my son would be a disappointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday.”
Third guy says “Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday.”
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the other guy what they were talking about and asks him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. “Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side; from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money.”

Handpicked Humor at its Best – Lawyers, Teachers and Rednecks

Posted by Angelica on August - 10 - 2011

The trick question

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.” The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.” The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

 

Only in hell

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

Devil


Possessions

There was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same again. Unexpectedly, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed. “You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked. “HA! You lawyers! All you care about is your possessions! I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

 

Simpson's Brain

The most exclusive brain

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip-off – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

 

Hundred Dollar Bill

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

 

H2O

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah: “HIJKLMNO”!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

 

How many Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven…
Rabbits Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Billy: Six
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven…
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Billy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!

 

Longitude & Latitude = Lonelitude

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

 

Something she didn’t do

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

 

Tree Anatomy

Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”
Sam: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”
Sam: “Wow, wow, wow!”

 

The Only Idiot

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now there mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

 

Misleading Signage

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

 

Naming the Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”
The brother replied, “Denephew.”

 

 

Fishing Trip

Funny Fishing

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the seco
nd day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

 

 

Class of Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.” Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.” “That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck is obviously catching on. “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’ ?” asks the friend. “Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck. “What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example.

Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re Gay ain’t ya?”

 

Redneck Children

“You’ve just had your twelfth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?”

“Phil”

“But you named the last eleven Phil”

“Yeah it’s great. I say Phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner.”

“But what if you only want one of them?”

“Oh! Then I call them by their last name.”

 

Why he’s so Special

“How was your first day in third grade, Johnny?” asked his father.

“Good,” said Johnny. “The teacher asked each of us to count to 100. Some kids couldn’t get past 30, but I made all the way to 100 without a single mistake!”

“That’s good, son. That’s
because you’re from Arkansas.”

After the next day of school, he asked again.

“I did good today, too, Dad. In language class, we had to say the alphabet. Some kids couldn’t get past P, but I made all the way to Z without a single mistake!”

“That’s good, son. That’s because you’re from Arkansas.”

After the third day of school, Johnny came home looking troubled.

“What’s the matter, son?” asked Dad.

“Oh, I dunno. Today we had Physical Education, and afterwards, in the shower, I noticed that, well, the other boys in my class, uh, well Dad, they all have little tiny ones. Mine must be ten times bigger than theirs! Is that because I’m from Arkansas?”

“No, son,” explained Dad. “That’s because you’re 18!”

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