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Handpicked Humor at its Best – Lawyers, Teachers and Rednecks

Posted by Angelica on August - 10 - 2011 with 0 Comment

The trick question

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.” The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.” The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

 

Only in hell

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

Devil


Possessions

There was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same again. Unexpectedly, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. “MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!” he exclaimed. “You’re a lawyer aren’t you?” asked the policeman. “Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!” the lawyer asked. “HA! You lawyers! All you care about is your possessions! I bet you didn’t even notice that your left arm is missing did you?” the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed “MY ROLEX!”

 

Simpson's Brain

The most exclusive brain

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable – in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains – there’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of lawyer brains for the princely sum of $800 an ounce. The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip-off – how come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?” The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

 

Hundred Dollar Bill

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

 

H2O

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?
Sarah: “HIJKLMNO”!!
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Sarah: Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

 

How many Rabbits

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven…
Rabbits Teacher: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Billy: Six
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Billy: Seven…
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Billy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!

 

Longitude & Latitude = Lonelitude

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

 

Something she didn’t do

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

 

Tree Anatomy

Teacher: “Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?”
Sam: “I don’t know.”
Teacher: “Bark, Sam, bark.”
Sam: “Wow, wow, wow!”

 

The Only Idiot

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now there mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

 

Misleading Signage

Teacher: Why are you late, Joseph?
Joseph: Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

 

Naming the Twins

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to
get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”
The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
Whereupon, his brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”
The brother replied, “Denephew.”

 

 

Fishing Trip

Funny Fishing

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip.
They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the seco
nd day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?”The other guy says, “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

 

 

Class of Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

“What’s Logic?” the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?” “I sure do.”

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” says the redneck. The professor continues, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.” Impressed, the redneck says, “Amazin!” “And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.” “That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!” The redneck is obviously catching on. “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!!”

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’ ?” asks the friend. “Math, History, and Logic!” replies the first redneck. “What in tarnation is logic???” asked his friend. “Let me give you an example.

Do ya own a weed eater?” asked the first redneck.

“No,” his friend replied.

“You’re Gay ain’t ya?”

 

Redneck Children

“You’ve just had your twelfth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?”

“Phil”

“But you named the last eleven Phil”

“Yeah it’s great. I say Phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say Phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner.”

“But what if you only want one of them?”

“Oh! Then I call them by their last name.”

 

Why he’s so Special

“How was your first day in third grade, Johnny?” asked his father.

“Good,” said Johnny. “The teacher asked each of us to count to 100. Some kids couldn’t get past 30, but I made all the way to 100 without a single mistake!”

“That’s good, son. That’s
because you’re from Arkansas.”

After the next day of school, he asked again.

“I did good today, too, Dad. In language class, we had to say the alphabet. Some kids couldn’t get past P, but I made all the way to Z without a single mistake!”

“That’s good, son. That’s because you’re from Arkansas.”

After the third day of school, Johnny came home looking troubled.

“What’s the matter, son?” asked Dad.

“Oh, I dunno. Today we had Physical Education, and afterwards, in the shower, I noticed that, well, the other boys in my class, uh, well Dad, they all have little tiny ones. Mine must be ten times bigger than theirs! Is that because I’m from Arkansas?”

“No, son,” explained Dad. “That’s because you’re 18!”

 


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