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Handpicked Humor at its Best – Love, Dating & Women

Posted by Angelica on October - 6 - 2011 with 0 Comment

 

Nobody Loves me

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That’s not true, Mary. Some people don’t even know you”.

Love

 

Mom knows Best

John who stays in college apartment, invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how John and his roommate Julie looked at each other. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious. By the end of the evening she was convinced there was more between them than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Julie went to John saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

John said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mom, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John.”

The next day, John received a response from his mother that read:

“Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.”

 

Service Charge

A teenager and his date were parked on a back road outside of town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads outside of town. Things were getting pretty serious when the girl stopped the boy and said “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute and I charge $20 for sex.”Taxi

The boy just looked at her for a few moments, but then reluctantly paid her the money and they did their thing. After getting dressed again, the boy sat quietly in the driver’s seat listening to the radio and looking out of the front window.

Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25.”

 

First Time Sex

A teenage boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which one he wants.
“Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. I’ll take the 12 as its gonna be a hell of a long night.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down at dinner table with his girlfriend and her parents. The girl’s mom asks if he’d say grace & he agrees. He bows down to say prayer and remains in that position for about 5 minutes. The girl, impatient to his acting, leans over to him and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”
The boy leans over to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

 

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Cartoon

 

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At the death bed

A woman‘s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?” “What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. “I think you’re bad luck.”

 

Acronyms

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, “I’m a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional.”
The second guy responded, “I’m a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids.”
They then asked the woman, “What are you?”
She replied: “I’m a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”

 

A Woman’s Prayer

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength, I’ll just beat him to death.

Cartoon Couple


Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My husband’s.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”


Mirror image

One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner.
He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her:
“Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me.” Satisfied with his “ingenious” remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten.
The next day, he comes home and greets his wife. When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods. Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money. She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt.
“See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.”


Ten Things Men know about Women

1.Boobies
2.
3.
4.
5.

6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have boobs

 


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