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Handpicked Humor at its Best – Blondes & Beers

Posted by Angelica on September - 3 - 2011 with 0 Comment

 

Jigsaw Puzzle

Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said “From 2-4 years”.

Jigsaw Puzzle

 

Sky Diving

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”

“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

 

Blonde Arithmetic

There was once a blonde who decided to join a TV show which tested the arithmetic of participants.

The first question was, “What is 12X3?”

The blonde hesitated a while and answered, “15?”

The audiences were screaming, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

Then next question she got was, “What is 14/2?”

The blonde responded, “12, right?”

Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?”

“3?” said the blonde.

The audience were screaming, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

 

Buying a TV

Buying a TVA blonde goes into an appliances store. She asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing and again the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, “How do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her and says, “That’s not a TV – it’s a microwave.”

 

Don’t drink and drive

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
“Did you know,” says the cop, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

 

Be careful what you wish for

genieTwo fishermen were adrift in their rented boat due to an engine failure. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: “Nice going idiot! Now we’re going to have to piss in the boat!”


Proud Fathers

Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says “I thought my son was going to be a disappointment. He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday.”
Second guy says, “Yeah, I thought my son would be a disappointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday.”
Third guy says “Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday.”
The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the other guy what they were talking about and asks him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. “Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side; from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money.”

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